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Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
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6:40 pm
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Jill told me that more people in America believe in angels than evolution. That is kind of...scary?
Today I went to Holy Cross to see Wangari Maathai speak. She was the first woman in African to get her doctorate and first woman in African to win the Nobel Peace Prize. She started a grassroots organization over thirty years ago that at this point has planted more than 30 million trees in Africa. She started her talk by explaining that much of the conflict between different 'tribes' (I'll put it in quotes because some people find that word offensive), is caused by degradation...when the water or grass runs out in one place, they take their livestock elsewhere and it causes a great deal of violence. There is a strong link between degradation and poverty. She went on to explain how she tries to get Christians to work to plant trees and reforest and protect animals...she says because God created all the other species before us and without them we could not survive, but without us, all of those species would say THANK YOU GOD! She also described how most crosses these days are metal, but that the original cross on which Christ was crucified was made of wood, and therefore, Christians should plant at least one tree, for Jesus. The talk was pretty religious I think because it was in the chapel at Holy Cross...she also explained that we each need ten trees to turn the carbon dioxide we breathe back into breathable oxygen, so if you can't look at ten trees and say, those are mine, you are using someone else's and that's not really fair.
In a few minutes I'm off to a rally at the DCU center for Deval Patrick. I don't vote in Massachusetts but he seems like a good guy, but more excitingly is that Bill Clinton (and John Kerry) will be there. I enjoy Bill Clinton and his voice, and the things he says.
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| Saturday, May 13th, 2006
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1:42 am
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Tomorrow morning I am flying to Boston. Sunday afternoon I am flying to Frankfurt. I will be in Luxembourg until June 10th. Want to talk to me? whenthesmokeclears@hotmail.com I won't have internet access regularly, but whenever I can check my email I'll send you a word. Love.
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| Sunday, April 9th, 2006
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10:52 pm
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If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a completely made up and fictional memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad -- but it has to be fake.
When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people don't actually dubiously claim to remember about you.
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| Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
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7:18 pm
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Banner thanks to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) knif3_party
comment to be added, i'm not picky, just keeping the president from spying on me.
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| Friday, September 16th, 2005
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12:23 am
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| Friday, August 26th, 2005
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12:04 am
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I'm so tired that it kind of hurts, but I have to write about my new project. I am currently working very hard on not being a pushover.
I feel like I've been at school forever and due to that I'm already kind of bummed out cuz things aren't how I except them to be. So much changed here that I'm not sure where I am anymore. And people are so busy settling in that I haven't had a lot of quality time with many people. I know this will all change but for now its crap. That is all...bedtime for droopy eyelids.
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| Monday, August 22nd, 2005
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7:25 pm
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I have a newfound hatred/jealousy for all those people who get to be with their significant other now that they're back at school. Last year I didn't have to deal with it cuz I was busy trying to 'move on' since we weren't together at the time, but now its like all I can do is sit here and think of him and I know I will see him in two frigging short weeks, but its not the amount of time till I see him thats bothering me, rather the fact that things are going to be very different until may, or june. Not bad, but different, not as sweet, not as loving, there's nothing I can do about it, cuz you can't snuggle with a computer or phone very well, but I just don't like it.
It was never so bad with Chris cuz the reality of that situation was that we were ALWAYS apart except for the two times when we were together, so I was kind of used to it, and the high point of my day at that point was an e-mail, cuz there was no reality to that relationship besides the internet portion of it, and the initial two weeks that kicked me into some long state of euphoria(/denial of whatever was going on in my 'real' life,) that in a normal relationship would have lasted approximately two more weeks but in that instance lasted 7 months or so...
With Andy its different cuz I've never loved someone so hard. Argh. I need this transition to be over with.
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3:04 pm
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Almost totally packed, now I'm just ready to be at school, doing things. I'm BORED.
I've already found a million things to do for the first few months of school on weekends..so that's GOOD. Especially hiking trips etc, I am going to join the outing club. I just don't want my weekends to be TOO full, since I already go away once a month to see Andy...but I think it'll be good to have more structure etc. I have set a few goals for myself as far as what I would like to accomplish this semester:
1)make Dean's list
2)figure out some sort of gym/exercise schedule
3)keep my room relatively clean
4)join a club(s)
5)get a job (?) I have a question mark beside this because a lot of this is out of my control due to having no car and not being comfortable wandering around worcester alone at night.
I have plenty of other things I hope to accomplish, but I think its better to have a short list of very do-able things. :)
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| Sunday, August 21st, 2005
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12:46 am
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Tonight at the video store my dad asked if I wanted any magazines. I looked at the selection and chose Cosmo, cuz it tends to be entertaining. Upon coming home and looking through it I realize how much I really HATE cosmopolitan. They have the same article in every single issue, or every other at least. I get more out of the ads honestly.
It also makes me realize how much of a relationship girl I am. I've never enjoyed random hookups, they had to happen for a while for me to be able to grow up etc. I've always been the girl that's played games, I love the chase, but not enough to want to do it long term. At this point I've grown out of it I think, or to some extent...I still like to see what kind of attention I can get, but I am so much happier being attached. Sometimes I think that I have more relationship knowledge than the Carrie Bradshaws, Samanthas, Mirandas and Charlottes of the world. I don't want to be 30-something and be chasing guys around, finding new relationships etc...thats just not me at all. Maybe that will change but for now that's me, and I don't want to be anything else.
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| Saturday, August 20th, 2005
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1:49 am
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k, i'm ready to go back to school now. i don't have much left to do here, no work, no andy, no brother, no interesting movies, nothing really. I think i'm just kind of spinning my wheels. I am working on packing some things but its hard to motivate myself cuz there's no reason to really pack yet, although if skinny wants to go to the shore on sunday that leaves only tomorrow and monday to pack. I'm tired but not enough to sleep, there's too much in my head.
I was really sad when Andy was leaving, but now I'm ok, cuz I know it will be better than last fall, mainly since we are still together and I know that i'll be seeing him in a few weeks. Also, I just feel better and better about us everytime we are together, of course that's really easy to say when I've pretty much seen him everyday. Its less confusing when I see him all the time, I don't get confused about other boys and stupid stuff we quibble over.
Alright, maybe I'll go pack some more things then go to bed.
Lovvve.
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| Friday, August 19th, 2005
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6:26 pm
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I am so restless.
I tried to start packing but realized that's what sunday/monday are for.
I don't have any good books so my downtime is pretty much boring.
Andy leaves tomorrow morning :( right now I'm waiting for him to be done packing and eating. I know I'm going to cry, and be a little baby about it, even though I will probably see him Labor Day weekend, its just that it's different when I go visit him than it is when we both live here and I see him alot. Hmmph.
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| Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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10:55 pm
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If it was up to me
I would have never walked out
So until the sun burns out
Oh, I hope you're waiting
grrrrr. you fucker. My brain really just can't comprehend boys and what doesn't go through their heads. Tell me we're going to do something at ten and then not doing anything at all makes me mad, how does this surprise you? No actually, i'm not really that mad, its just a lot easier to try to be mad then to try not to cry. I will not see you much more, 2 times at best. I understand seeing people that you will not see again, but I don't think its an excuse to lie and then ditch me. I do not smile when I get ditched, and don't tell me you love me a thousand times, because it isn't making it better, its actually making me cry. So please fuck off. Normally when you stand me up I expect it, cuz i have a sick sixth sense for it, but tonight I really didn't so it makes it that much worse. So drink your beers I hope you get fat.
Would we have lived as a child would care?
With this vile to drink I dare
(Oh where have you been)
Only to cry all alone with
(Oh where have you been)
Your taste on tongue
current mood:  grrrrr
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| Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
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7:42 pm
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now for a real update.
Skinny called me from Vegas this morning, she comes home TONIGHT! her birthday is on friday and I got out of work so we're going to the beach. Then I shall spend Friday night and Saturday with Andy and family, then come home, love my skinny bitch some more, work three, yes...only THREE! more days at the trolley and then pack my bags and head away from the iladelph for the school year, missing the kurt halsey show at Art Star (the opening night party in fact where kurt will be in person), but only 2 days...damn.
In other news, my laguna beach obsession is still in high gear, along with all things olsen, they're just too damn cute and I'm way jealous of them in everyway...well pretty much.
I am playing my last few weeks of the Sims2 cuz I promised myself I would take it off my computer before school cuz its so damn distracting.
Last night for the first time this summer the fact that I am leaving Andy kicked me in the ass hardcore. It sucks so much cuz so much of who I am right now is because of him that it's hard to part ways for school cuz I have to not only be sad about missing him but also remember who I am as an individual. I wrote a lot more than that but its in my real journal which is upstairs, i also collected all my summer ending songs and listened to them and realized how emotional the month of august has been for me for as long as I can remember. It was always when I had to leave various camps, which was always hard cuz in my early days camp was the only place I felt i was me, and was truly happy. Then two summers ago it was leaving camp for the last time and leaving Chris, then last summer it was packing up and going to college/breaking up with Andy (didn't last long..haha). This year I think its just the transition, I'm not afraid of being at school, and I'm bored of being at home, there are just a few strings attached to either place that make it hard to leave (i felt the same way in may.)
Ugh, enough, this entry was all over the place. Enjoy your evenings :)
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7:35 pm
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I would like to have some of the following things in my possession...(yes today i am allowed to play the materialistic game)
( Read more... )
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| Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
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12:12 am
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coheed and cambria is(are?) sex.
fer real.
new album sept. 20 2005.
i need the comic books so maybe i can really understand the whole story.
would it be bad to anem a daughter cambria? its so pretty haha.
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| Monday, August 1st, 2005
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11:55 pm
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I know that I create most of the problems in my life. I'm even aware that I'm doing it, I just don't know how not to. Like one day I'll be really strong and be like, its ok that I never get to see Andy, and that it's probably not that realistic that we will make it thru the 3 more years we have to make it until we can actually be together. But other days I make up the fact that maybe he's annoyed with me, I pick up on little signals that aren't there, that make me think he's tired of me. But my problems obviously aren't only in the male realm. It all starts with anxiety. And I think the worst part of anxiety is sometimes you know that you are really crazy to get so anxious and scared, but when it hits you, its like a wave cracking over your head and nothing has ever felt so real. It's my fault that I know that one of the symptoms of a brain tumor is numbness in your limbs, so when I experienced my hand tingling for no good reason five years ago, it made perfect sense to me that I was obviously going to die. I'm the kind of hypochondriac that is also afraid of doctor's so while I'm not always in the E.R. trying to get checked out for one thing or another it's been pretty regular for me to think something is wrong. I also know that I am not going to die in my sleep everynight, but life is such a strange phenomenon that sometimes I feel like, what is stopping my heart from just not beating? Life seems so against all odds, since so many things have to be working correctly to maintain it. I know that I haven't started driving because I'm too anxious to do it. I can envision terrible accidents, which I think probably makes it more likely that I will get in an accident cuz I'm so un-confident and anxious about it, but I can't reverse it. I also shouldn't be afraid of the dark. I'm almost 20. There are no monsters, my house is old and creaks, it's not foot steps, and hiding under my covers doesn't make it any less possible that if someone were to enter my home that they would not see my giant lump of anxiety hiding.
So, I guess I know that I bring all these things upon myself, and right now I can say, its ok, I'm fine, everything will be ok when I go back to school and don't see Andy and he's not annoyed or tired of me, and I'm not going to die today or tomorrow, and I don't need to stay up late at night in bed worrying about work tomorrow, because I can't change any of it right now.
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4:29 pm
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Humph. I swear Clark purposely does things to annoy me. I was really excited to switch into a Wednesday morning seminar, Women in the Health-Care System, and what do you know, they cancel the course. I understand that not a lot of people signed up for it, but you'd think they'd at least give the freshmen a chance to and see what might happen. Now I'm stuck looking for courses and there's nothing, so I'm going to be stuck taking Stone Age to Our Age but I wanted to save the art requirement to see if they would have one in luxembourgh. Cuz if I fill the AP I would only have LP and SP left and the chances that they would have one of those in Luxembourgh next may isn't that great, and I can hardly justify going there and not filling a requirement that I need. GRRRRRR. Most of the classes I would want to take meet at the times that I already have a class, or they're already over capacity. :(
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| Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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12:32 am
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Andy came to my house and surprised me at 10 tonight. :) That made me smile, cuz I was all read to spend the entire day watching tv, but instead I got to see Andy.
Two more days of work then the weekend. I don't really have anything exciting to write, except that everyone from ebay should hurry up and send me all the stuff i've bid on and won recently.
Think its bedtime.
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| Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
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3:23 am
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Grr, want to be tired...But I just can't be. I have lots of things to do tomorrow seeing as its my only day off till the weekend and would like to get up early to have all of these things happen and be able to have some fun as well. I guess I shall read some Harry Potter until my eyelids get heavy. Grruff.
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| Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
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7:05 pm
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Things I've been thinking about at work: 1) some people should not be allowed out in public, perhaps there should be public licenses...a lot of people that buy ice cream wouldn't get one. They're rude and self-righteous. 2) I would like to ask some people if their children are the product of in-breeding, that would make me tremendously happy.
I have a new used dig cam from Jordo, so I will be able to post many pictures of myself posing :)
It's so hot that I wish the world didn't exist. I sweat when I walk to the bathroom.
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thoughtful